There’s a scene in The Lone Ranger where John Reid (Armie Hammer) watches his brother Dan (James Badge Dale) have his heart carved out of his chest while he’s still alive. The man doing the cutting, Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner), then eats the heart on the spot. This is horrifying.
In the next scene, John is comically dragged through horse manure by a quirky Native American named Tonto (Johnny Depp). This moment exists purely to be funny. (Note how I didn’t say “this IS funny.”)
The jarring juxtaposition of these two scenes is just the beginning of the nightmare that is The Lone Ranger.
Disney hit it big once before when they cast Johnny Depp in a film based on an amusement park ride - a little project called Pirates of the Caribbean. Hoping to capture that magic once again, they brought back Pirates writers Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott, hired Pirates director Gore Verbinski, and cast Depp in another goofy role. No doubt producer Jerry Bruckheimer was hoping The Lone Ranger would be another Curse of the Black Pearl. Unfortunately, this is much closer to Dead Man’s Chest.
The Lone Ranger is told in retrospect by an elderly Tonto, now a sideshow attraction at a carnival in 1933. This storytelling device is wholly unnecessary, as all it accomplishes is provide a series of awkward, unfunny scenes between a possibly delusional old man and a doe-eyed little boy. Tonto explains to the boy how he became part of the duo that has since become a Wild West legend.
It all began in 1869. Lawyer John Reid was returning to Colby, Texas to bring due process and justice to the lawless town. His train ride proves eventful, as a gang of outlaws attacks the train and frees their imprisoned leader, the scarred and filthy Butch Cavendish. Upon arriving in town, John is deputized by his brother Dan and they set off in search of Cavendish’s gang. However, the brothers and their posse are double-crossed, leaving them all dead.
That is, until Tonto shows up with a magical spirit horse, or as I call him - Equus ex machina. Tonto and Equus ex machina do…something, and it brings John back to life. Tonto, who has his own reasons for getting revenge on Cavendish, convinces John to wear a mask and ride with him, so that they may bring the villain to justice.
The Lone Ranger may survive as a justifiable watch if only to laugh at all the stupid little moments, of which there are many. Hardly a scene went by that didn’t at least once make me furrow my brow and shake my head in confusion. Lots of the moments are small and inconsequential – Why would railroad workers, with an out of control train bearing down on them, leap from one side of the tracks to the other? If you’re already safely on one side of the tracks, stay there – but there plenty of big things to question. The most pressing one being: Why is this film so disturbingly violent at times if it’s aimed at kids?
You can say that it’s nitpicky to condemn a film for having a few small pieces that don’t make sense, but over the course of a two-and-a-half hour film, all those little things add up. It’s hard to have fun at a movie when you’re constantly being thrown off by little incongruities. It also doesn’t help that The Lone Ranger is so plot-heavy that you can’t connect with any of the characters, so those little incongruities are all you have. So when Tonto leaps off of a cliff and lands on a pile of jagged silver rocks, and then pops up as though he landed on a bed of feathers, you can’t just shake it off as “oh it’s just a silly action movie.”
If you’re still awake by the time the climactic action sequence occurs, (why does every big movie need a climactic action sequence nowadays? Can’t we have any small, personal final showdowns?), you’ll recognize Rossini’s “William Tell Overture” playing throughout it. The “William Tell Overture” is an exciting musical piece, but it’s been over-used so much that it’s become rather commonplace. It’s the go-to music many film students use in their college films because it’s in the public domain and everyone knows it. Its usage here makes the finale feel like a parody of itself. It also kept making me think about its usage in A Clockwork Orange, which was a very, very different scene.
The Lone Ranger is an overblown mess, with a slogging length that can’t support the material. Depp, who is usually so fascinating in his performances of weird characters, is flat and unmemorable. Armie Hammer, who did spectacular work in The Social Network, is a serviceable Lone Ranger, but his chemistry with Depp doesn’t equal anything special. The Lone Ranger and Tonto are supposed to be a legendary team, but they come across as uncomfortable new roommates here. This was supposed to be a fun movie, but there is so much wrong with it on a fundamental level that you have can’t just turn off your brain to enjoy it; You have to physically remove your brain and leave it at home. Put it on the couch and let it watch Pirates of the Caribbean while you’re gone.
My Rating: (2/10)
